Life through a Haze

Michael Taber

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I love weed, pot, the sticky icky whatever you want to call marijuana, I love getting high.

It would be the first thing I did when I woke up and the last thing I did when before I went to sleep. Weed was my morning coffee. I needed it just to get me ready for the day ahead. I used to say to myself that I had to get my head right just to deal with whatever was going to happen. I would try to sneak in a few tokes during the day to get me by without having to deal with any craziness. For over a decade of my life, marijuana has been a part of a daily routine. What changed my view on something I loved so much? The answer is the search for absolute truth.

It all began with who am I. I was in my mid-thirties and still did not know who I was as a person. I was very unhappy in my life. No matter what I tried to do, nothing allowed myself to be at peace. I used Marijuana as an escape from the things that I did not want to deal with in life. I realized that I have become just like the “Lotus-Eaters” I used to read about in Greek mythology. I became apathetic in life. I was living an altered state of human experience.

My life was devoid of real meaning, emotions and motivation. I had to take a good hard look on why I started to smoke weed in the first place. The answer was always there staring me in the face, but sometimes it is easier to live the lie than to address the truths in our lives. I used to defend the use of weed like a religious zealot would defend their faith. Surrounding myself with self-reinforcing support to keep me safe in my haze filled bubble. It took me a while to weigh-out the benefits and negative effects of smoking weed.

Marijuana was illegal to use for recreational purposes when I smoked. I had to hide the fact that I was a person that used. Eye drops, breath mints and cologne, was the routine before I dealt with the public face to face. I was hiding, or I could even say trying to protect myself from the world. I was not trying to be the best version of myself. Instead, I stayed in a state of false euphoria that only ended up in the same place where I did not like what I saw in the mirror. That only encourage me to want to escape and to get high.

I knew that I could not go through life in this personal hell that I created. I began a long journey to discover the truth of who I am in this world. Life is not easy, nor should it be. Problems arise that need to be faced with a clear mind. The truth is ugly sometimes, but the result is always something that I can be at peace with.

There is something truly beautiful about the human experience. To know yourself as a unique being that has gifts, skills and talents that brings peace and fulfillment to yourself. My experience is that with weed or any other mind-altering substance would rob me of a genuine cathartic moment. If I was out on the town and dancing while high, was I really being truly happy or was it the weed giving me an imitation of happiness.

Life is hard at times, but on the same moments it can be overwhelming magnificent. I had to give thanks to everything in my life, everything that was good and everything that was horrible. For every loss and everything that I achieved became special too, because whatever emotions I was feeling was true and personal and mostly because they were mine. Those sacred moments that define your identity are far more precious than anything you can acquire. There is always going to be that part of me that is going to love getting high from weed but it is not real. It is a cheap imitation of the human experience.

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